“And it’s hard to write about being happy, Because the older I get, I found that happiness is an extremely uneventful subject.” - No choir, Florence and The Machine

Someone asked me recently what I loved about my friends, since I talked about them so much and kept mentioning how the right people can lift you up so much more. I started listing things: intelligence, growth mindset, emotional maturity, good communicators, etc… They responded that all of their friends probably also have these criteria. What made my friends special?

This conversation made me think a lot. I do think I have a better friend group now more than ever, but it’s hard to pinpoint exactly what about them that is so different from other friendships. It took me a while to find an answer, and I don’t think I have it quite yet. But along this path, there’s something I’ve discovered about my favorite people: for everything I have listed, I could argue for the exact opposite with my friends. They lie on a plane of contradictions, gracefully tread the line that others easily fall one way or the other.

My friends are so smart and so stupid.

I am surrounded with people who are insanely capable. Every time I have a conversation with them, I learn something new, whether it’s about the world we inhabit, their area of expertise, or simply a mindset they have recently adopted in a place I have struggled with. It’s hard to imagine the concentration of brilliance that I am surrounded by.

And yet, they are also some of the dumbest people I have seen. We laugh at incredibly stupid jokes, they say awful things in situations that make me face palm, they are incredibly unskilled at things most humans would acquire naturally, and regardless of what high-level conversation topics we normally talk about, they would still be so, so interested in the tea. I constantly think to myself, how can this person who I talked about global ethics of decarbonization just three minutes ago, be laughing at this stupid of a joke right now? And yet, that’s the part that I cherish just as much, if not more than, any high-brow conversations we might have.

They are selfless and selfish, concurrently.

My friends are some of the kindest and most caring people I have met. This year is perhaps the biggest proof to me, where I have had so many unexpected stressors, and never did I feel like I have no one to support me. I could always just talk to someone. And I have seen love flowing in all different ways, from my birthday speech to the printed photo the day I leave to all the weekly calls that we never miss. My friends are people with big hearts, people who prioritize long-term relationships, and take actions to make it a priority.

But I think we are also more realistic. When I was leaving high school, we would make these promises to each other: “I will always be there for you.” But time and distance make me realize that realistically, I can’t promise that. I cannot be there for my friends when their dog passes away because I have a plane to board, just as my friends can’t be there for me when I have visa issues alone in Chile. Some things we go through alone. Sometimes even when we need each other’s the most, we cannot be there, physically or mentally.

So my friends are selfish in that way. In that sometimes they have boundaries that I will need to learn to adapt, sometimes they put their needs first in the same way I put mine. But that independence makes me feel more secure, because when we come together, we enjoy each other’s company not because we need each other, but we because we want to. That freedom is refreshing.

They grow with lightning speeds, and never make me feel behind.

I read this quote somewhere,

“It’s really easy to be a critic, to always see the negative in others. It’s also easy to be a cheerleader, to always cheer the positive. It’s a lot harder to be a coach, where you see the best in them and guide them towards that best self.”

My friends are my best coaches. They are my career coaches, friendship coaches, love coaches, and most importantly, life coaches. It shows in the way we are comfortable with each other, but also willing to hear each other’s perspectives and nudge each other in the right direction. Sometimes it’s not even shown in words. This semester, living with one of my best friends, I woke up every day to see her meditating. After a while, just naturally, I started adopting that habit too.

The best friendships to me are the friendship where we grow together. We hang out, we have fun and laugh, but we also talk, reflect, and learn from each other. We share moments of ups and downs, and we ride the waves together. I am lucky to have people like this in my life.

They are flexible with a strong core.

Perhaps it boils down to this, they are deeply flawed but malleable people. They stretch and grow and transform, sometimes becoming people completely different from when I first met. But I also see the threads that are the same, the roots that stay intact. At the core, they are good people. They are people in a world full of external noises, to not be chasing fames or money, but are guided by their own judgment, their own heart. It’s hard to find these people. But when I’m with them, I get a glimpse of who I want to be, and it nudges me to be that person day by day, piece by piece.

So we could grow and change, perhaps in very very different directions, but those precious cores are unchanged. And regardless of where we would be in the future, we are always in each other’s lives, in the core of our beings. The friendship might be transient, but the impact is permanent. And walking contradictions they may be, these people enrich my life with vibrant colors I didn’t know existed, and life is a little bit more magical because of it each time.